It’s been a little over a week since I made my proclamation to change things before my 27th birthday. I’m brought back to this topic today because a friend of mine came into my class this morning, asking me what she could do to make her “cool.” At it’s base, a lot of my questions are about about making me cool, in my eyes and in the eyes of others. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t care about what other people think of me; but then again, unless you’re are remarkably self-actualized, then you probably care as well.
I still care, though. When you look at my list, you see that many of them have components that are both internal and external.
Academic success is measured in both internal and external qualifications. I can be as smart as I want, but if I don’t get published, then I haven’t succeeded. I can be musical, but if I can’t perform because I’m too anxious, then I haven’t succeeded. I sometimes get so worried about the external that I don’t even try to conquer the internal. Perfectionism, fear of success, and thinking I’m a fake all build into the bits of crazy that I have floating around my brain.
I’ve been trying to grab the bull by the horns, but occasionally, I’ve been thrown against the boards and gored. In my academic area, I’m caught up in my classes, and I’ve started compiling and reading research studies that will help me towards picking my dissertation topic and research questions. In my musical area, I’ve practiced more than I probably have in any year before this, and I’ve made new reeds. In the social realm, not much new, except enjoying my Wednesday Night Rage. In physical, I’ve been running more.
But mental is where I’ve been lacking.
I’m not sure what to classify as mental. Meditation is something I’d like to do, but I get distracted too easily. Maybe I’m not meant for 30 minute periods of introspection. Maybe if I can just get 5 quiet mental moments, that would be for the best. I know that I’m crazy – or, at least, my brain chemicals are out of whack without the proper medicine. Does just remember to take my Wellbutrin count?
I’m still lacking concrete goals, but even without them, I feel like I have forward motion, and that’s a good thing. It’s been a long while since I’ve felt like I’ve had positive forward motion in my life. Rarely do I look forward to tomorrow, and that’s usually because there’s a ton of stuff I ignored today that has to be done tomorrow. Today, though, I woke up was a clean mind, ready to tackle stuff for the next day. I’m still doing the same amount of work, but just knowing that it’s for tomorrow, and not for today, makes me so much happier.
With 92 days left, I’m twiddling my fingers and trying to reassess. The “Getting Things Done” philosophy says that you have to have a weekly review where you reevaluate things on your list and see if they’re still necessary, or what progress you’ve made towards them. While I have changed my course in the past few days, I’m not sure if it’s dramatic enough, or if it’s even the right change. I’ve spun the wheel, then grabbed it, heading off into whatever direction I’m point at at the moment. I’ve still got the spectre of a large amount of free time this summer, and if I go into that without a clear picture of what I need to accomplish, I’m completely screwed.
Future Jordan’s life just got a little brighter, but I’m not sure that he’s that much different than current Jordan. I don’t necessarily want to make crazy, dramatic changes, but I want to see some visible, measurable difference between me now and me on my 27th birthday.
I’m just not sure I’m making enough of a difference at the moment.
But I’m happy, content, and I have a little momentum. And that’s a hell of a lot better than I was 8 days ago.