You ever have a black cloud crawl over your head for no reason?
I was a semi-rockstar yesterday. In my world, that means I didn’t spend all of an unstructured Monday on my ass, watching Law and Order reruns. I got up, ran errands, took a shower, acted like a human being, and generally was a productive member of society. I even planned my lesson for today and got some stuff done for Future Me (you go girl!).
That being said, at 6pm on Monday night, I freaked out. Brain, that loveable bastard, was apparently unhappy that I was so happy. He tilted the brain chemistry just enough to go from “Sunshine and Daffodils” to “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.” I was slicing pizza, and all of a sudden, I couldn’t keep my hands still. My chest seized up, and my brain went into a tail-spin. Over what?
I got my stuff done. My reward was supposed to be a carefree evening of time with Lovely Wife, drinking a beer, and getting a long over-due arts and crafts project started. What did I get? Laying face down in bed, trying to get a deep breath. And this is on medication. Without, I’d still be in a fetal position, staring blankly into the wall while listening to King of the Hill.
Lovely Wife says that I shouldn’t concern myself with the why and just deal with the how (to stop…). I’m not quite so easily swayed. I keep trying to figure out what triggers these things – because, I mean, if I can find the why, I can make them stop entirely. The closest thing I can think of for a cause this time was that I panicked for the lack of having anything to panic about, but that seems so absurdly stupid I can hardly deal with it.
Brain may just be an asshole – we’ve covered that before. He may just be trying to convince me that something’s wrong when, in fact, there’s nothing wrong. Everything was actually hunky-dory. I got my stuff done, enjoyed my day, and I still ended up with some bad juju.
I’m not sure what to make of all of this – should I go for the cause, or just focus on the solution? Is one more important than the other?
What happens when you feel awful at the end of the day when you should feel like a rockstar?