100 Days till 27: 78 Days Left

Momentum is a funny thing. When you have it, life almost feels effortless. Everywhere you look and everything you touch seems to just happen. You’re in the zone, wherever that zone is. Life is easier, thinking is easier, being is easier.

The opposite of that is being in the much and mire. Your feet feel weighed down, and all you can see is straight ahead. Looking to the left and right, you just seem more of the same. A rut is something that you don’t often notice until you’re right in it, and then once you’re there, it’s hard to get out of it. You eat the same thing every Tuesday, go through the same routine every Thursday, watch the same TV every Sunday.

I’m in a rut – I know that. Every attempt to extricate myself from said rut lands me right back in it. Fortunately, the rut seems to be working at the moment, in that I’m not completely underwater. Unfortunately, I’m not making any new, interesting headway. I keep looking back at my 5 goals for these last 100 days, and I’m just not sure where I’m making any leaps, if at all. Last time I caught up on this project, I thought I had momentum.  I was running more, doing new things, getting my shit done, and all in all, feeling like an accomplished human being.

That’s sort of going of the rails.

  1. Academic
  2. Musical
  3. Social
  4. Physical
  5. Mental

On the academic side, I’ve just been keeping afloat. Any grand ideas about new research ideas and academic reading have gone away, and now, I’m just trying to get to the end of the semester. Any extra-curricular academic work has been completely shoved to the side, which is unfortunate, because that’s where the interesting stuff is. As it is now, I’m just getting through my classwork.

For musicality, I’ve made some new reeds, which will be the topic of their own blog post in a bit. Unfortunately, that’s about as far as I’ve gotten. My jury piece still isn’t up to snuff, but I have another week or so to crack that out.

Aside from my usual Wednesday Night Rage trips, nothing new on the social front.

Physicality has been a giant black hole. My running was going well until I hit the wall last weekend. Even though I have a 5k coming up, I’ve been letting myself get lazy and not head out for a multitude of reasons. I was tired, hungry, had a headache, felt sick, had too much to do, etc. I  know they’re just lame excuses, but when the options are staying in and feeling ok, and going out and feeling sick to my stomach and having my leg hurt due to running, I’m going to choose the path of least resistance. I know, that sucks, but that’s how my brain works. It sounds even more pathetic once you type it out.

Lastly, mentally has been  just as bad as ever. It makes me wonder if my anti-depression meds have stopped working, or something else is up. I hit a bad night a few days ago, and the vestiges of that have been drifting over my head for a while like a black cloud. I keep getting weird flashbacks of stupid things I’ve done during high school and undergrad, and they just reinforce whatever negative image I have of myself at the time.

I didn’t turn in a paper on time in college, therefore I’m still an awful human being.

Yeah, I know it sounds stupid.

So this week, as a different approach, I’m going to set 5 concrete goals, one in each category. I’ll come back next week and report on whether I accomplished them or not. If  I don’t, it’s everyone else’s job to harass me about it. A little public shame never hurt anyone.

  1. Academic – Add 5 new research ideas to my potential research list.
  2. Musical – Practice at least 30 minutes on my jury piece each day this week.
  3. Social – Go out to one new place this week with Lovely Wife.
  4. Physical – Go out running at least 3 days this week.
  5. Mental – Meditate for at least 10 minutes 3 days this week.

I realize those are stupidly small goals – but after having not goals and flailing, I thin this is better than nothing.

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