Oh man – so I skipped an entire week. That should be enough to get me an F straight away. I feel like that’s a failure in an of itself. I feel like I should come up with some grand, justifiable reasons – yet, I don’t really have any. I’m OK with that, though; as far as accountability goes, just showing up and admitting that I have a problem (of some sorts) should give me a little credit.
I realize that I’m getting close to the 30 days mark; the last month before I take whatever step it is turning 27. To say I’m looking forward to my birthday is a bit of a lie; in the back of my mind, it just represents another milestone that seems to wash over me without any change. I always imagine that one X day, I’ll be a different person – better, smarter, stronger, faster. Again, it’s the “future” me fallacy. That dude, for better or for worse, is the same as me, and if I want him to be different, I guess I have to change myself.
Goals from the last time I checked in:
- Academic – Follow my work schedule, getting at least 1 hour of real research work done every day this week.
- Musical – Follow my practice schedule, getting bassoon time in at least two more times this week.
- Social – Go out to a new place this week.
- Physical – Follow my work out schedule, doing at least 30 minutes every day this week (except for Wednesday).
- Mental – Meditate for at least 10 minutes 3 days this week and go to yoga once.
Academic? Ugh. For some reason, getting my ass into gear and doing research work just hasn’t been happening. I have the time partitioned off, but I’m just not doing anything at the moment. On the plus side, I’ve started a writing accountability group with a few other grad students in my area, so we meet once a week to publicly shame each other when we don’t meet our weekly goals.
Musical? Bah. What’s a bassoon?
Social? Win. Doing new things seems to be the one thing I’ve been able to do in the past few weeks.
Physical? Ugh. I was sick last week. So I’m going to claim a mulligan on that one.
Mental? Meh. Skipped yoga due to being sick, but I did meditate.
Grade? Discounting the physical, I’m at 1.5/4, which is a solid F. So much for my pie in the sky visions of a passing grade. You know what? That makes me sad. Let’s change the color – F. See, now I fell better about it!
Seriously, though, I’m about 3 weeks out of the spring semester, and I don’t think I’m any better off than I was right when I ended. All of my adventurous, awesome, lofty goals have sort of crashed down around me, and I’m not sure why. The schedule which I held up as a way to easily take care of my stuff has been off every day, and I’ve yet to get a full day of quality work in.
I’m trying not to beat up on myself, but I’m seeing a lot of the same patterns I’ve been in for a while. Once again, though, I’m not sure what I can do to throw a wrench into it and get out of the rut I seem to be wedged into.
No goals this week. I’m going to try something a little different – next week, I’m going to post a list of things I’ve actually accomplished this week, and see how that feels. Maybe if I can get myself to take a little credit for accomplishing some things, I won’t feel so crappy about all of the things I didn’t accomplish.