I have to admit, writing when I’m not having any major issues is harder than writing when I’m going a bit crazy. For some reason, mental stress causes words to flow out like water from a hose. It makes me realize how easy it must be for Unibomber-types to write out giant manifestos; when you’re in a manic, panic mode, words just seem to bubble up (even if it’s complete craziness).
As the semester has started, it’s probably for the best if I do a quick look back along with a long look forward. I’ve basically been active for a single day, but let me tell you, I knocked that day out of the park. Not only did I teach a solid lesson and look snazzy while doing it, I decided I was so on top of things that I should have a wisdom tooth pulled out just to prove how badass I am.
Well, not really, but I still lost a wisdom tooth on the first day of classes. That was fun.
Right now, I’m on top of the ball. I’m walking calmly, arms out, breathing in a zen-like manner. I’m not falling forward, and I’m not falling backwards. Tomorrow, though, is Tuesday, and that means that to keep on top of the ball, I’ve got to roll forward with it.
I’m feeling that awful sense of pride about what I accomplished last week. Now, it’s not that pride is awful by itself – the problem is that it usually comes coupled with a sense of entitlement to take some time off. “I got my shit done last week,” I think, “I deserve to take a day or two off!” This is my downfall, my Waterloo, and my whatever the last album Pink Floyd did all in one. I never consider that the ball keeps moving.
I have another lesson to plan for tomorrow’s class, I have writing to do, I have bookkeeping things to bookkeep, and my apartment is starting to get gross again. The world is turning, and if I’m not careful, it’ll turn without me, and I’ll end up in the same position I do every semester. I always get so excited for a new, clean start (before I get trampled), and I’ll be damned if I’m going to waste this one.
So what’s a guy like me to do? Since I’m inclined to epically screwing these things up, it looks like it would be to my benefit to get on my shit. I have a semi-reasonable list, but it’s a little out of date. I guess that’s the first step. Figure out what I have to do, and then do it in small chunks. Plan a lesson for tomorrow. Send out an e-mail here and there. Finalize lesson schedules. Clean the kitchen. Make sure the giant gaping hole in my gums is healing properly.
The usual things.
I’m not panicking, though. Used to be that by now, I’d be in a complete, air-gasping, flailing, twitching panic attack. At the moment, I’m calm, if not a little anxious. I am focused, though, and I do think I can get my stuff processed today.
I feel like recovering from anxiety/procrastination/ADD is like alcoholism – it’s not that I’m vowing to stop from now until eternity, it’s that I’m stopping today. I don’t have to worry about the world crushing me later this week; I just have to stop the world from crushing me right now.
It’s times like this that I truly believe we get all knowledge from Disney movies. In this case, I’m reminded of Finding Nemo – “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…”